|long time coming
||[Jul. 2nd, 2010|03:49 pm]
|||||Mumford & Sons - "Thistles & Weeds"||]|
"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear? didnt i, my..."
mumford and sons, "little lion man"
sadly thats all too appropriate these days. when my roomates confined themselves to just stealing little things, things almost unnoticeable, like small portions of my food, etc. but a few isolated incidents like my hair straightener disappearing from the spare bathroom (as well as ALL of my victorias secret bubblebath! like 12 bottles! all that was left was the cheap shit from the 99cent store!), and this morning, when i caught a very close friend of mine whos been staying here with evidence of his theft from me! i mean, when it was little, i dropped hints that i knew what was going on, and they mostly behaved. but this was just so blatent, so OBVIOUS, that i actually saw red! i waited as long as i could while i was steaming mad, gathering my words, but after an hour i was so upset i couldnt wait anymore and woke my friend up. he pretended not to know what i was talking about but basically confessed after i asked if he thought i was stupid. this EXACT THING happened last time he stayed here, and the aftermath when i caught him was so ugly i thought that now, after so much time had passed, and with all my warnings, and my keeping the things he would wanna steal either on my person or under my pillow or in my purse... but last night while i was sleeping he took it. i had JUST worked myself up to trusting him again (tho last weeek i sent him to 7-11 w my dads debit card, and he tried to pass off the total as 12 bucks but one of my permanent roomies (not so permanent, as im kicking them out at the end of the month to make way for Brian...) spoke up and said it was more than that. i demanded to see the receipt, and where he was supposed to go and get me a slurpee and some candy, he got a lot of beer, and multiple packs of cigarettes! and i simply CANNOT show my dad that, he will think im smoking!!!) so this breaks my heart. i give all i have to give, emotionally, and as much as i can physically, to my friends... all i ask i that they dont lie to me. i even forgive the stealing. trhe saddesr part of all is that if hed ASKED id have given him what he wanted. i asked why he didnt ask me and he was all sarcastic and said "cuz im a piece of shit" and while i agreed, it wasnt what i was looking for. its like he WANTED to get caught, i mean, he left evidence like crazy, a trail a mile wide!!!
so im really hurt. im too forgiving. if i wasnt so forgiving this wouldnt have happened again.
but.... its hard to come to terms with the fact that the people i care about dont care about me, or at least only care to the extent of caring about how much i can give them, or what they can use me for.
not much else happening. Went to sacramento last month to see Brian, and we agreed that he would move back down to SD and live here! YAY! Nice roomie who doesnt drink, smoke or do drugs! no more 3 middleaged MOOCHERS living here! someone whos clean, and quiet, and wont disrupt my life w draaama! someone i wont have to worry about back rent and debts with (since hes really frugal and could prolly live for a month on 100$...)... Sabrina really wants to move in, since shes here all the time (shes using my roomie sean for rides and whatnot. she took me aside and told me theres nothing "going on " with them, that she just "looooves offroading! omg! its like, sooo fun! omg!"... i dont believe a WORD of course. she gets loaded and passes out in seans lap, and he like rubs her stomach (and im sure a lotta other shit when im not around. hes always been into her... but hes like 45 and shes 20. and all of em, my roomies and sab, are drug addicts. meth for them, heroin for her.).
im also really suspicious about the roomies. Paul is my only REAL roomie (ie rent paying, tho seans given me money twice. exactly twice.) but his brother dave and his friend sean stay here too... if i say i dont want em here, paul"ll just let em in while i sleep so id rather know what theyre up to rather than trying to catch em sneakin around. the past couple months, tho... theyve been exhibting some SERIOUS dealer-type behavior.. shady people droppin by all the time (and if they see me they are always asking "whos SHE?" when its MY DAMN HOUSE. grr.), pnly staying for 15 or 20 min... dave going in pauls room right before they leave to get something... once there were 2 women here (one young, one the guys age) with TODDLERS!!! appalling. they must all think im stupid or something.... i guess everyone thinks im stupid, or oblivious, or... whatever. they all think i dont see what theyre doing, stealing from me and utterly abusing my more than generous hospitality.
i simply overflow with emotions... sad, ANGRY...i dont know what to do. im halfway tempted to head to bunker tonite, get hella stoned and dancedancedance till i cant think anymore. ive got plans sunday, to go see Frank, but other than an agreement to go either for or with my dad to le targhey boutique, but otherwise ive got nothing going on, and i dont wanna be in the damn house with all these liars!!! i wish i still knew people i could crash with out there, but the only one id wanna see, ive lost the cell number for! Pluis, i injured my foot, and unless i wear flats or padded socks, my feet"ll kill me after too long, mebbe even after the drive... but i wanna GET OUT. Get AWAY.
even if its only for a little while...