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Ookie Spookie

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long time coming [Jul. 2nd, 2010|03:49 pm]
Ookie Spookie
[mood |moodymoody]
[music |Mumford & Sons - "Thistles & Weeds"]

"but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear? didnt i, my..."
mumford and sons, "little lion man"
sadly thats all too appropriate these days. when my roomates confined themselves to just stealing little things, things almost unnoticeable, like small portions of my food, etc. but a few isolated incidents like my hair straightener disappearing from the spare bathroom (as well as ALL of my victorias secret bubblebath! like 12 bottles! all that was left was the cheap shit from the 99cent store!), and this morning, when i caught a very close friend of mine whos been staying here with evidence of his theft from me! i mean, when it was little, i dropped hints that i knew what was going on, and they mostly behaved. but this was just so blatent, so OBVIOUS, that i actually saw red! i waited as long as i could while i was steaming mad, gathering my words, but after an hour i was so upset i couldnt wait anymore and woke my friend up. he pretended not to know what i was talking about but basically confessed after i asked if he thought i was stupid. this EXACT THING happened last time he stayed here, and the aftermath when i caught him was so ugly i thought that now, after so much time had passed, and with all my warnings, and my keeping the things he would wanna steal either on my person or under my pillow or in my purse... but last night while i was sleeping he took it. i had JUST worked myself up to trusting him again (tho last weeek i sent him to 7-11 w my dads debit card, and he tried to pass off the total as 12 bucks but one of my permanent roomies (not so permanent, as im kicking them out at the end of the month to make way for Brian...) spoke up and said it was more than that. i demanded to see the receipt, and where he was supposed to go and get me a slurpee and some candy, he got a lot of beer, and multiple packs of cigarettes! and i simply CANNOT show my dad that, he will think im smoking!!!) so this breaks my heart. i give all i have to give, emotionally, and as much as i can physically, to my friends... all i ask i that they dont lie to me. i even forgive the stealing. trhe saddesr part of all is that if hed ASKED id have given him what he wanted. i asked why he didnt ask me and he was all sarcastic and said "cuz im a piece of shit" and while i agreed, it wasnt what i was looking for. its like he WANTED to get caught, i mean, he left evidence like crazy, a trail a mile wide!!!
so im really hurt. im too forgiving. if i wasnt so forgiving this wouldnt have happened again.

but.... its hard to come to terms with the fact that the people i care about dont care about me, or at least only care to the extent of caring about how much i can give them, or what they can use me for.

not much else happening. Went to sacramento last month to see Brian, and we agreed that he would move back down to SD and live here! YAY! Nice roomie who doesnt drink, smoke or do drugs! no more 3 middleaged MOOCHERS living here! someone whos clean, and quiet, and wont disrupt my life w draaama! someone i wont have to worry about back rent and debts with (since hes really frugal and could prolly live for a month on 100$...)... Sabrina really wants to move in, since shes here all the time (shes using my roomie sean for rides and whatnot. she took me aside and told me theres nothing "going on " with them, that she just "looooves offroading! omg! its like, sooo fun! omg!"... i dont believe a WORD of course. she gets loaded and passes out in seans lap, and he like rubs her stomach (and im sure a lotta other shit when im not around. hes always been into her... but hes like 45 and shes 20. and all of em, my roomies and sab, are drug addicts. meth for them, heroin for her.).

im also really suspicious about the roomies. Paul is my only REAL roomie (ie rent paying, tho seans given me money twice. exactly twice.) but his brother dave and his friend sean stay here too... if i say i dont want em here, paul"ll just let em in while i sleep so id rather know what theyre up to rather than trying to catch em sneakin around. the past couple months, tho... theyve been exhibting some SERIOUS dealer-type behavior.. shady people droppin by all the time (and if they see me they are always asking "whos SHE?" when its MY DAMN HOUSE. grr.), pnly staying for 15 or 20 min... dave going in pauls room right before they leave to get something... once there were 2 women here (one young, one the guys age) with TODDLERS!!! appalling. they must all think im stupid or something.... i guess everyone thinks im stupid, or oblivious, or... whatever. they all think i dont see what theyre doing, stealing from me and utterly abusing my more than generous hospitality.

i simply overflow with emotions... sad, ANGRY...i dont know what to do. im halfway tempted to head to bunker tonite, get hella stoned and dancedancedance till i cant think anymore. ive got plans sunday, to go see Frank, but other than an agreement to go either for or with my dad to le targhey boutique, but otherwise ive got nothing going on, and i dont wanna be in the damn house with all these liars!!! i wish i still knew people i could crash with out there, but the only one id wanna see, ive lost the cell number for! Pluis, i injured my foot, and unless i wear flats or padded socks, my feet"ll kill me after too long, mebbe even after the drive... but i wanna GET OUT. Get AWAY.
even if its only for a little while...

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internet genius at work [Aug. 19th, 2009|02:30 pm]
Ookie Spookie
[mood |bitchysarcastic]

wow... some people are fucking losers! i cant believe how many brave anonymous posters talked shit on my public pic post..
bravo, jackasses. way to step up and ... oh wait, you all didnt leave your names! awwww now i cant thank you! boo.
hope leaving lame comments on someones journal gave you that much needed ego boost and gave you that 2inch hard-on youve been trying for, dipshits.

oh, boo hoo, someone out there on the web doesnt think frank or i are attractive.. *hand to forehead* heavens! whatever shall i do? my life is now over.

seriously tho, people like that give me the biggest laughs!
anyone who hasnt seen it yet, go check out the comments on my picture post! _the_most well spoken, articulate, well-meant compliments! oh, were they meant to be insults? im gonna go sit in the corner and cry now.
*silently weeps*

i was gonna just delete them, but i decided to leave them up so all you guys can laugh with me. have fun, its seriously the lamest thing ive seen in months.
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new piccie! [Aug. 10th, 2009|09:17 pm]
Ookie Spookie
[mood |restlessrestless]

the BEST candid picture ive ever taken, if i do say so myself...
Frank and i look mighty fab, eh? eh? EH? ANSWER ME DAMN YOU

Steampunk Ball

Taken the last time we went to malediction...
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updates and muffins [Aug. 10th, 2009|08:48 am]
Ookie Spookie
[mood |awakeawake]

ok so i know ive been missing from the inkernetz for a while now, but ive been busy!
between occasionally seeing and constantly dreaming about my gorgeous tall-dark-and-dashing yumminess (you know who you are... *lick!*), hangin w my ersatz wifey/roomie sondra, and lookin for a jhob (yuck!), i havent really had the time/motivation to post updates.

in the world of buggle, jas is gonna give me a trial period of aiden visting me )just him!) after school for like 3 hours.. we're gonna try one day a week at first, then 3x week, the eventually, if it works out, 5 days a week! SQUEEEEE!

thats my major-big-news.. nothing else huge to report, other than ive got a bunch of new projects for my store coming up, so keep a weather eye on the electronic horizon...

the movie im dvring at the moment, 1953's "penny princess" is sucking me in and distacting me from typing, so i must away.
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(no subject) [May. 28th, 2009|01:25 pm]
Ookie Spookie
please go and supposrt this, if youre in socal, especially if youre in san diego.
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holy time warp batman! [May. 28th, 2009|12:07 pm]
Ookie Spookie
[Tags|, , ]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Abandoned Toys - "Flickering Embrace"]

i have lost an entiire DAY in my memory... i woke up today, my internal clock SURE it was wednesday the 27th.


wtf? i was sure that the awful day with my dad (awful in that we had our usual less-than-pleasant experience, with him admitting that "oh when you started talking, i just stopped listening and tuned you out"...thats a DIRECT QUOTE. i mean, he does it with me all the time, and hes admitted before that most of the time he tunes me out, but this time i was agreeing with him! not fighting or anything.)

feeling pretty shitty this morning, confused about the loss of time, depressed about aiden, worried about aiden being sick (his dad called this morning and told me he'd been throwing up and has a fever), feeling lonely, very lonely, devastatingly lonely... and alone as well. feeling isolated, from just about everyone.. my mom is so far away, my dad is a jerk, my roomies are concerend with their own shit, i feel like im spiralling away out of control, going somewhere i cant see, dont want to be, dont want to think about.

i really wish someone was here to make me feel a little less worthless, more wanted. i need to feel wanted more than anything right now. my son is growing up, away from me...and i cant get near him, except for a few measly hours a week.
i really really need to feel wanted, and cared for, and i want to be held...i feel so small and alone right now. no amount of meds or smoking can help right now. feeling like shit.
my roomies even seem so far away, like the front room may as well be in siberia.
the lost day and these depressing feelings are adding up to a long and terrible day ahead
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mumblings/fumblings (late night/early morning edition) [May. 26th, 2009|04:10 am]
Ookie Spookie
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Vernian Process - "Black Celebration"]

awake and restless after only about 2 hrs of sleep... i fear the insomnia is back..lucky for me s&g brought me a sleepaid when they came home an hour ago...its better than nothing

s&g didnt end up accompanying me to la sunday, but i met Frank and his friend James there.. both of them looked spectacular! the crowd in general was very good looking, generally it always is at Malediction...(it is the only club ive ever been to where people seriously care about theme nights... Frank and i are going back next month for their Steampunk Ball, and again in November for the Scorpio Ball(hepromised hed go with me, and this hyear i will actually make it there for it, dammit!)). i saw quite a few boys and girls i might have gotten to know better had i not been there w Frank... Tho to be perfectly honest, Frank was the best dressed man there, far and away... my heart literally skipped a beat or two when i saw him walking towards me, and i could see a lot of girls there were seriously JEALOUS. It always gives me such a warm glow in my belly when im the focus of such sheer HATE. Does that make me a bad person? mmmm these sour grapes sure are YUMMY... heh heh.
But seriously, his DELISH Jack the Ripper outfit inspired me to re-read "From Hell" and its annotations today... got through almost all of it, am around chapter 8 in the annotstions as of now. It was in the big ol' pile of shit i picked up from katherines last week, comics and dvds and books. Not, however, the two comics i was missing and sure she had. (Which sucks, cuz that means i loaned them to someone else and totally spaced on who it was!) Even Alan Moore cannot distract me from mentally drooling over Frank. I really wish we'd been able to go home together, that outfit of his... Seriousy affecting me. It Seriously affected me. He just looks SO FUCKING HOT in a suit... especially with the vest and tie he was wearing... and topped off with top hat and coat? im a goner! no hope! im really just lucky i didnt come off like a jabbering nutjob (i didnt, right hon??? O.o)
Speaking of Frank, he mentioned this at Malediction, and its true.. most couples are lucky to have a picture or something from the night they met, we have a tv show! hah! we are made of awesome. And its looking like this weekend coming up will be our 6flags-stravaganza! My plan was that he come down here to my place for friday night, sleeps over, i drive us up to valencia and 6flags on saturday (and lucky its now before it gets too hideously hot and burn-y... im gonna be lobster-red halfway through the day but at least i wont be charcoal), then back to my place for saturday night and sunday till he has to go home...

Went a little nuts at amvets the other day, scored a black corduroy mini, a long brown corduroy tierd mermaid skirt, a long dark oily-brown raggedy flowing skirt, a tanktop with a lace back, two new black camisoles, new 8inch black pvc stripper heels, a poofy lace-and-pinstriped lipservice skirt, and ummm... oh yeah, a pair of cream gloves! think im gonna wear the raggedy oilspill-colored skirt to the park, w either one of my stretchy shirts from victorias secret (with the halter straps or the cut-out back), a cami, or a plain black sleeveless tee...with either one of my pairs of black leather slipons, or some flipflops, if i get around to buying some this week.
well, now im actually inspired to look thru my clothes. maybe after that ill get sleepy... certainly hope so, have got nothing to smoke and am seeing my dad today...however i might be getting money today, so hopefully that will lead to a trip to dana point, and saving some towards that brown leather corset im after. amongst other things haha.
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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2009|11:56 am]
Ookie Spookie
[music |'Atuin The Turtle' _ Dave Greensdale]

just downloaded a whole album of discworld (terry pratchett) related songs!

hah! wierd, eh?
theyre not too bad.. all synth-y...
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oddities [May. 15th, 2009|10:00 am]
Ookie Spookie
[Tags|, , , ]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Depeche Mode - "Only When I Lose Myself"]

so randomly saw D last nite, for the first time in, what, 8 or 9 months?! he was supposed to go into the army, but they keep putting him off, and i guess his band is taking off, finally..
(OH WIERD, all of a sudden, the pedipaws device turned itself on on my desk! scared me so much i jumped like a foot in the air! sounded like a rogue vibrator on the loose..)
he txtd me and we talked for a bit, then he actually BEGGED to see me. i mean, actually begged. here's an excerpt from some of his txts, word for word, only cut for length:
"i know i sound like a psycho i bet but i missed you sooo much. i have been having dreams about you..."
"i would give anything in the world to spend five min with you tonight. i would come to you and leave after ten min if you wanted"
"i would have no problem driving to you and i would leave the min you need me to. i swear to god it would mean the world to me"
and after i said ok, sure, come by and we'll smoke a bowl w my roomies, he sent this:
"ok! thank you thank you thank you. do you still live in the same place"

whew! never had someone want to see me THAT badly when they werent sleeping with me..
AND i found out that the person who called at 3am the other day and said nothing was him.
shy? or just creepy?
dunno yet.
he didnt seem to overly upset wheni told him i was seeing someone.. (i told him right away, right after he got here, just so there would be no misunderstandings)
he was, well, himself. loud speaking voice, overly exciteable, like he's permanently tweeking. but hes not. i shudder to think of him actually ON tweek, cuz he runs around like a crazyman even when hes stoned, or on xanax...

todays the day! frank comes down here for the weekend! i couldnt sleep properly cuz im excited/nervous/pervy...
all im saying is, he'd BETTER come down this time. no excuses. tho he said hes really excited too, so i think all will be well.

last nights... occurances are pretty much solved now. i was gonna be petty and spend the night at my dads, since they had brought jesska here, so i would be effectively stranding her here (heh heh), but decided to act like a grownup, and not continue any drama, which is really the best thing that i could have done. they understand how upset i am, but theyre NOT acting childish or ANYthing! sondra was a bit snappy at first, but then she remembered thatmy past roomies have taken ny car for nefarious purposes many times before, so she changed her attitude. i really think they will work out, i dont think ive ever had a roomie who paid attention when i told them to do or not do something, miuch less ones who approached problems andacted their own age! holy shit! civilized people! i may swoon!

finally decided on the final outfit for saturday (none of what i had listed up here, haha), i went with a long tight strappy black dress with a lowcut back and straps on the back, with my copper spine choker and heels of some sort.
have a lovely picture in my head of frank and i getting ready together, and helping each other pick out outfits.. heeee. gives me the nice fuzzy feeling that cozy domesticity always does. some girls get all gooey when they go grocery shopping w their boys, or cuddle on the couch, or whatever, but my happy fuzzy headspace is us getting dressed together to go out, him coordinagting his suit/tie with my dress/shoes... *swoooooon*
mmm, speaking of suits... frank looks sooo fab in a suit! im so excited to go out w him... never been out w a man in a suit before.. well, seriously out, anyways.. not just some random dinner-drinks thing where ill never see him again, cuz hes freaked out by me...
nope, frank likes how wierd i am (so far), and i will have myself a nicely suited (HAH!) piece of armcandy tonight. and tomorrow. and part of sunday...
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Quote of the Era [May. 9th, 2009|02:36 pm]
Ookie Spookie
[music |Chandeen - "Imagination"]

"The scientific method is nothing more than a system of rules to keep us from lying to each other" - Ken Norris
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